Time for change

Its that time of year when everyone starts making resolutions and keep them for a short time. .. yeah that's real "good"
As for me, around this time is my birthday and what I like to do is set goals for the time until the next one.
This past year has been really difficult for me and once again I've done some soul searching.  I keep coming up with the things I've discovered in the past - I know what I want and need but I'm not getting it and it is hurting me both emotionally and well... we all know emotional hurt causes physical pain.
Today I will have a talk with my husband and if he won't do what is needed to work on our relationship then we will need to figure out about going our separate ways.  I NEED to do what is necessary to be who and what I want and need to be.
Its time for change

Goals for 2013

Each year around my birthday I make goals for myself for the year ahead. So here is this year's list...

1. Write out at least 10 of my gratitudes daily
2. Be POSITIVE [even when things are not going good]
3. Journal daily
4. Meditate EVERY day and / or night
5. Daily Affirmations
6. Drink more water daily
7. Zumba/Gym - 3 - 5 times / week
8. Do hair daily
9. Do make up daily [whenever planning on leaving the house]
10. Take vitamins daily
11. Grow and maintain nails [fingers and toes]
12. Complete at least 1 book each month
13. Take more pictures [at least 1 a week]
14. Get a 2nd job [or build MY own business -- Reiki / Tarot Readings, etc...]
15. Blog [this can be the journal...]
16. Eat less sweets
17. Had surgery... so help it to help me LOSE 100lbs of excess fat!!!
18. Start working and updating website [get it making me money]
19. Cook more frequently
20. Bake more frequently
21. Take breakfast to work Mon - Fri
22. Take lunch to work Mon - Thurs
23. Living a Life of Magic [starts in March - goes for 13 months]
24. Cleanse and Consecrate at least once a month
25. Keep current on various bills:
    1. LIPA
    2. Optimum
    3. Car Payments
    4. Student Loan
    5. Cell Payments [Craigs and Ours]
    6. Chris website
    7. My website
    8. Planet Fitness
26. Pay off various bills:
    1. IRS
    2. TV [Aarons]
    3. Hospital
    4. Neurology
    5. DRs
    6. Fingerhut
    7. PayPal
    8. CapitalOne
    9. Avenue
    10. Suffolk Federal Credit Union
27. Learn:
    1. Astrology
    2. Palmistry
    3. Runes
    4. Reflexology [get certified if can afford]
    5. Something new...
28. Practice:

1. Numerology
2. Tarot Readings
3. Reiki
4. Cooking [new recipes]
5. Baking [new recipes]
6. Gardening
7. Knitting
8. Crocheting
9. Sewing
10. Zodiac
11. Reflexology

That is the list.... I feel like I'm missing something but I can always add to it!  Check in next year and see how it went with this!

Scattered

So many thoughts going through my head, so much to figure out, so much to get done, so much to remain POSITIVE & GRATEFUL for [while I feel the weight of negativity dragging me down with various situations], so so much and I'm officially on LIQUIDS ONLY now until surgery [and for a short time after].

Maybe I made a mistake in looking to become a Tupperware Consultant NOW, but no turning back -- I WILL rock this! Just need some help to get me in the right direction and I'm good to go!

I awoke today so tired [went to bed early -- was soooooooooo tired], so achy [EVERYTHING hurt] and blah but I started naming things / people that I'm grateful for and proceeded to get ready for work. Took the dogs for a brief walk before having to head off - Ricco in a very playful mood and Chilli wanting to explore every little thing in her path - sorry guys I am running late because I had a hard time dragging myself out of bed again.

Need to get my children's situations figured out... what I really need is to win LOTTO but until then I need other alternatives.

Having vented... I'm moving forward -- well... I already had moved forward but now I'm telling you that I have =)

My battle with my weight

To say that I've been through a LOT in my life is an understatement!  But I have gotten through and I am so very grateful.  

With each situation I have learned, grown, experienced!

It took me many years to decide to take this next step.  I have fought with myself, I have tried this, that and the other in order to avoid this.  But, as with all things you reach a point that if you are not achieving your goals and you need help, you explore options.

Genetics are a bitch!  I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel this way - am I?

Much of my family are extremely overweight and growing up I thought there was NO way I was going to be the same.  I was very active in sports and had always seemed to easily lose any weight I gained!

Of course, in High School I thought I was FAT - I questioned every friend I had IF I was fat?  Why?  Well... compared to many of my classmates I felt like a porker!  I was about 125lbs and being only 5'4" I thought I was a fat ass!  Boy do I miss THOSE days!

At 19 I got pregnant with my first son, gained about 50lbs [I admit I ate horribly]. 50lbs!!!  And he only weighed 5lbs 8ozs [tiny lil thing he was - he is still so thin, but healthy - doesn't have MY genetics YET].

I had lost MOST of the weight I gained from baby #1 when I got pregnant with son #2 [there is just over 17 months between the 2 boys].  I didn't gain too much - not even 20lbs and lost all of it when & after he was born - he weighed 6lbs 8ozs [another tiny guy but healthy]

Son #3 was born 2 months & almost 1 month later - I gained sooooooo much weight with him - my ex was calling me "Bubba" [nice, right?]

The Evil Princess was born exactly 14 months later - I hadn't lost any weight from Son #3 and gained even more weight.  This was NOT cool!

Oh and... the day I had Evil Princess I had my tubes tied [I couldn't continue to pop babies out & gaining weight like this].

The struggle to lose weight began shortly after we moved into our home [almost 1 year after Evil Princess was born].  I tried exercise, diet pills [prescribed & over the counter], Weight Watchers, Richard Simmons, Susan Powder, more diet pills and more diets!  The one I had a brief success with was Atkins - lost 25lbs in 1 month - that was killed by a BROWNIE [not just any brownie, but an amazing OMG brownie! oh and a mixed drink - damn those candle parties!!!].  I've since tried going back on Atkins but can't seem to get past the first week :(

And this has been the cycle for the past 17 years now... 

I had heard many people I know had weight loss surgery years before but I thought it would be cheating or the easy way out.

Oh & in those years I've also had my gall bladder removed [it stopped functioning], 3 partial hysterectomies over the course of a year, and an office procedure [endometrium cells needed to be removed], was hospitalized for depression [ok ok... I admitted myself after a suicide attempt]

But it was last year when I was hospitalized twice within a month - fluid on my spine, oh and add an infection on the spine as well, that had me reconsider weight loss surgery.

After talking it over with my husband, I started my research.  I was having a hard time finding a Dr to actually speak with - oh sure there was lots of information online but I wanted to actually ASK the questions to a professional and not just someone online via a "chat box"

There was a website... n y bariatric - I asked them questions via email, was invited to an online seminar and started the process [it felt very impersonal but I was feeling worse health wise and I NEEDED help] 

They were a bit far from where I was living but had told me that my insurance WOULD cover the surgery, but I had to get a referral from my primary care Dr.  I scheduled the appt right away!

While at my primary care, Robin [she does the referrals at my Dr's office] told me that she knew of other Drs that were MUCH closer and who she heard had amazing reputations!  She made a couple of recommendations and finally the name that stuck out was Dr. Braithwaite [heard that name years ago]. I called to schedule an appt but was told I had to attend a seminar first and lucky for me that there was one coming up within the week.

Husband in tow [he had questions too], we went to the seminar and all the lingering questions we had were answered that night - I made an appt for 3 weeks later [that was the soonest].  

My first appointment was being bounced from one nurse, to a nurse practitioner, to a social worker, to a nutritionist, to the Dr - I thought I was only going to be an hour but ended up there a few hours. So much information thrown at me but they were all GREAT and assured me that if I had questions I could ask anytime :)

The months to follow I had gone to a Cardiologist, Gastroentrologist, Pulmonologist, test after test after test.  Oh and my insurance requires 6 months of supervised weights - so I have been to my primary care every month to be weighed.

I started eating healthier [for the most part] but the worst part is getting on that scale and seeing that you GAIN weight!!  Talk about depressing - BLAH!  I've cried just about every month after stepping on that damn scale

Here I am and I have just over a month to go for the surgery and in just a couple of weeks I begin a liquid diet [did I mention how lucky I am for that???] - I think those weeks are going to be the roughest, especially since at my full time job there is a Friday tradition of Bubba's Burrito Bar [pouting already]

My goal is to get damn near close to my PRE baby weight.... Wish me luck!  I will keep you posted as I go along